


now i'm staying home alone (and this house is not a home)

by gilligankane



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 07:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16949760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilligankane/pseuds/gilligankane
Summary: Charity scoffs. “Oh, give over. You love Christmas,” she says, frowning even as she speaks.“Loved,” Vanessa corrects. “This year it didn’t feel like…” She trials off, doing her best to look past Charity.





	now i'm staying home alone (and this house is not a home)

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the gift idea goes to thegirl20.

“There’s snow in your hair.”

It’s the first thing Vanessa says - an odd thing, considering that she’s played this moment over in her head a thousand times, maybe more. She’d thought of all the things she would say -  _ come home, I’m sorry, I love you _ \- but none of them were  _ there’s snow in your hair _ .

Charity runs her hand through her hair and the clear crystals fade away. “It’s snowing.”

Vanessa looks over Charity’s shoulder, out into the darkened lane. The street lamp catches the falling snow, making it sparkle. “Right,” Vanessa breathes, feeling her chest flush in embarrassment. “It’s snowing.”

Charity thrusts her hand forward, a carefully wrapped gift hanging between them. “I got this for you, before we...” She shrugs a shoulder, the gift dipping and lifting. “Right, well. Seemed like a waste not to give it to you. Noah was going to bring it round, but he kept forgetting and I just-“ Charity stops herself, eyes not quite meeting Vanessa’s. “Just take it, would you?” 

Vanessa stares at Charity’s hand. She can almost feel it against her cheek, over her hip. Charity’s touch haunts her late at night when she can’t sleep and the bed feels too empty and Charity is too far away. It makes her toss and turn and her body aches but her mind won’t rest. The last time Charity’s hands - the last time Charity had been this close - Vanessa hadn’t known it would be the last. If she had...

“I have something for you too,” she says, her voice high and her mouth pinched. She looks back over her shoulder into the living room. “I bought it...”

Charity jiggles the present impatiently. “I’ve got to get back to Lisa and Zak’s.”

_ Away from you _ Vanessa hears in the silent stretch between words. 

“One minute,” Vanessa pleads. She takes a step back from the door, eyes still on Charity to make sure she doesn’t disappear. “It’s right on the table.”

Charity sighs, her arm dropping to her side. “Go on, then.”

Vanessa still doesn’t turn around, taking slow steps backwards so as not to lose sight of Charity. She bumps into the couch and then a kitchen chair before she finally gives up, picking up the wrapped gift on the table and spinning back around quickly.

Charity is standing in the middle of the living room, eyes moving around the room and her arms crossed over her chest. A part of Vanessa’s chest seizes up; Charity used to be so free here, so unraveled.

“You’ve not decorated for Christmas?”

Vanessa stares at her a moment longer before the words seep in. “Oh,” she says, flushing. “No. I’ve… not,” she finishes, her voice dying out. 

Charity’s forehead wrinkles. “Johnnybobs must be disappointed. He loved the lights last year.”

“He’s at me dad’s,” Vanessa says, that knot tightening even further. It makes it hard to breathe.

The lines on Charity’s forehead deepen; darken in the shadows from the low light of the lamp next to her. “He’s what?”

Vanessa’s hand flutters in front of her stomach before she pushes it through the pocket of the hoodie she’s wearing - Noah’s footie team name stenciled across the front. “He’s with me dad and Megan. His choice,” Vanessa rushes to add. “When I didn’t hang the lights or get a tree he… Well, he asked if he could spend the night with his Grandpa.”

Charity scoffs. “Oh, give over. You love Christmas,” she says, frowning even as she speaks.

“Loved,” Vanessa corrects. “This year it didn’t feel like…” She trials off, doing her best to look past Charity. She focuses on the dimmed light slipping in through the windows. David left the shop light on, again. There’s lights blazing in Dale View, too. Tracy and Leyla had invited her over, but she’d begged off; she knew she’d be terrible company.

“Moses is with Ross, this year,” Charity says suddenly. “Noah didn’t much feel like putting a tree up, but Chas and I talked him into it.” She runs a hand through her hair. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

Vanessa swallows, her mouth dry. “Noah stopped by. Yesterday. He asked to borrow the colored lights.”

Charity nods slowly. “Wondered where he got them from.”

“You left them when-” Vanessa stops herself quickly. She’s suddenly aware of the weight in her hand, the wrapping paper tearing slightly in her grip. She reaches out towards Charity, her arm wavering though the package is thin and practically weightless. “Here. For you.”

“Could have guessed that by the tag, babe,” Charity says lightly. She takes the present from Vanessa, careful not to touch her. “And yours.” She offers Vanessa the gift in her other hand. “You don’t have to open it now,” she says, pulling an arm across her chest. Vanessa knows what she’s doing, knows she’s pulling herself inward and putting up her walls. “Just felt a waste to leave it under the tree. Or in the wardrobe.”

Vanessa holds the gift in her hands carefully, staring down at it. There’s snowmen in top hats and candy canes on it, the same paper as the gift Noah brought her the day before. 

“You don’t have to open it either,” Vanessa says. She looks up and catches the confusion on Charity’s face. “The gift, I mean. You can toss it in the bin if you’d like. It’s not-”

“Vanessa,” Charity says softly.

Vanessa nods sharply. “Right.” 

Vanessa can feel the embarrassment start to spread, blooming across her chest and up her neck.  The gift was a bad idea. She should have gone into town and picked up something else - or not given her one all together. Charity’s not lived in Tug Ghyll for what feels like ages now; there’s nearly nothing left to show she was even here save for the small items Vanessa kept and tucked away in a box under her bed. It’s just a few things; a shirt, some grocery lists she’d scribbled down, the cup she bought Vanessa when she first moved in. Things Vanessa didn’t need but couldn’t bring herself to throw away or return.

She’d put the gift together just before everything else had fallen apart. And now she wants regrets giving it to her. She wants to pull it back, hide it away, and get Charity something else; something to replace all the heaviness.

Charity tears the edge of the wrapping paper and Vanessa’s stomach twists into a knot.

“Honestly, Charity, you can open it-”

Charity looks up, a single eyebrow arching in a silent question.

Vanessa’s mouth twitches in something like defeat and she holds up her hands in surrender. “Go on, then.”

Another corner tears and Vanessa realizes that Charity is going to go slowly, picking each corner apart as some kind of prolonged torture Vanessa has to bear witness to. 

“No.” Vanessa pulls back a bit, surprised at the sound of her own voice.

Charity jumps, too, frowning at her. “No?”

“No,” Vanessa repeats, moving forward. Her hands hover over Charity’s for just a moment before she presses on, her fingers tightening on the gift Charity is holding. “Don’t open it.” She ignores the plea in her voice, meeting Charity’s eyes steadily. “It’s… I should have gotten you something else.”

“Vanessa-”

Vanessa shakes her head sharply. “No. Don’t open it. It’s too…”

Charity’s hands are warm and careful under her own. She turns them over, their palms scratching against each other. “It’s just a gift.”

“It’s the wrong gift.” There’s a slow burn pushing at the back of Vanessa’s eyes, stinging in the corners. “Don’t open it. Please.  _ Please _ ,” she whispers. “Don’t open it.”

It’d meant something, when she put the last piece of the gift together. It was something she was a part of. But now it feels like an intrusion. Private. Like she should have just put it down and walked away from it and never touched it again.

Charity pulls the gift slowly from under her hands, Vanessa’s nail catching on a corner of the wrapping and tearing it, just a bit. Charity smiles gently, too kindly, and moves onto her back foot, enough space between them now to open it.

“Charity,” Vanessa tries one more time.

The wrapping comes off easily, fluttering to the floor. Vanessa watches it drift along the rug, the paper thin and cheap. She follows it to the coffee table where it gets caught on a leg and she’s got no choice but to look up now - to brace herself for what’s to come next.

Charity’s still smiling for a moment before it fades into confusion, lining her forehead in small wrinkles. “Ness, what’s-” She turns the jeweled CD case over in her hands, reading the title. 

_ Ryan, Home Videos _ it says.

“I…” Vanessa swallows hard. “Well, all those times I went out on conference, I was actually at Irene’s.” She reaches out, her hand dropping to her side before she can find Charity’s arm. “We spent hours turning her old tapes into… this.”

Charity’s voice is rough when she speaks, the sound of tears stuck in her throat. “This is-” She wipes clumsily at her face. “This is his whole life.”

“The parts before you, at least,” Vanessa whispers.

Charity looks up, eyes glossy. “Ness, this is-”

Vanessa clears her throat, pulling her shoulders back just a bit. “You were always talking about it. Wanting to know what he was like those first few years. I knew how much it meant to you so I…” She nods sharply. “Right. That’s that, then.”

“That’s not-” Charity steps forward, eye widening as she does. She looks like she’s just catching up with her body, like she didn’t tell her feet to move and they did on their own. “I got you a sodding spa trip and you got me  _ this _ .”

“You deserve to know,” Vanessa says fiercely. “You deserve those years, Charity.”

Charity’s chest heaves and her body sways. Vanessa stops thinking and moves forward, her arms around Charity’s waist as she buries her face in Charity’s shoulder. She can feel Charity sag, arms heavy over Vanessa’s shoulders as they tighten around her neck. She holds still as Charity cries against her, tears hot as they splash over the shell of Vanessa’s ear until she sniffles. 

Charity pulls back but doesn’t step away. She wipes her face and looks away for a moment. “I’m-”

“Don’t apologize,” Vanessa says, voice thick. She can’t stand the thought of an apology, as if Charity isn’t allowed to let herself go in front of Vanessa anymore. “I hope I didn’t overstep.”

Charity laughs, a hiccup. “With them little feet?”

Vanessa wrinkles her nose, shoving lightly at Charity’s waist. She curls her hand into the pocket of Charity’s coat. 

Charity moves in again, another hug. “Merry Christmas, babe.” Her words are hot against Vanessa’s cheek. Her lips press gently to Vanessa’s skin, lingering for just a moment longer than necessary. 

Vanessa’s hands flex at Charity’s waist, the rough polyester of Charity’s coat scratching against her palms. “Merry Christmas, Charity.”

Charity pulls back, her bottom lip still brushing against Vanessa’s cheek. Vanessa knows that the world is raging around her, that she’s playing with fire, and she can’t bring herself to care; like Charity is a candle Vanessa can’t stay away from, even as she burns and burns and burns. Charity’s nose bumps against her own and Vanessa’s hand slides around the curve of Charity’s hip, pulling her closer. 

“Ness,” Charity whispers.

Vanessa presses onto the tips of her toes before she can stop herself, her mouth sliding against Charity’s. 

_ It’s Christmas _ , she thinks. And she’s wanted nothing more than Charity to come home, for the house to fill with laughter and arguments and fighting for the last slice of pizza. She wants the stomping on the stairs and dragging Charity out of bed in the morning and fighting to put the boys down at night. She wants it all back and when Charity kisses her, she thinks,  _ I can have it _ .

Charity pulls away, her forehead against Vanessa’s.

“Come  _ home _ .”

Charity opens her mouth and Vanessa rushes on, her chest tightening even as she tries to speak.

“I’m sorry.” Vanessa hesitates, afraid to scare Charity away. “I love you."

Charity looks down at her, blinking slowly. “Vanessa.”

Vanessa’s hands tighten on Charity’s waist. “Think about it.  _ Please _ . And-and after the New Year, we can sit down, properly, and talk about it.”

Charity presses her thumb into the top of Vanessa’s cheek, mouth turned up just the slightest bit. 

Vanessa closes her eyes. “Please, say you’ll think about it.” She doesn’t open her eyes, too afraid of the let down coming.

She’s not expecting Charity’s lips against her forehead or the way her hand slides over Vanessa’s cheek and the back of her neck, fingers tangling in the long strands of her hair. 

“Yeah, kid,” Charity says, hot against Vanessa’s skin. She steps back, smiling wider. “I’ll think about it.”


End file.
